Christian bookstores are beginning to disappear. In 2017, all 240 Family Christian Stores closed.  They are falling victim to the growing trend of shopping online. Let’s face it, if I can have a greater selection of books and buy them cheaper why wouldn’t I? I made frequent trips to Christian bookstores growing up, for books and music, but one section I tended to avoid is what I called the “Jesus Junk” section. That was the gift store area with potholders, candles, and figurines covered in hearts, Jesus, and trite Christian sayings. I always found the precious moments and Hummel figurines with Christian slogans disturbing.

Now that these stores are disappearing, I wondered where my Great Grandmother would go to find her tchotchke fix. Fear not, online retailers have wonderful “Jesus Junk” she can buy for all her holy trinket needs.

Behold!

Jesus saves bank. Now you too can turn a deep, profound act of grace into a sales pitch. Remember kids, Jesus wants your money.

Jesus adhesive bandages. Can you say Jesus heals? Note there is a free prize inside, probably some Jesus brand antibiotic. Are they good for stigmata?

The Jesus Lighter. Now you can demonstrate that Jesus is the light of the world and have something to hold up during an Amy Grant concert.

The Jesus toaster. It burns an image of Jesus on your toast. GLORY! I love that the packaging includes the verses “Give us our daily bread.” and “I am the bread of life.” Gives new meaning to buttering up the Lord.

Finally, a way to preach against the evils of tobacco in the most passive-aggressive way possible.

Jesus ashtray. Jesus looks up from his crucifixion to remind you that “Jesus hates it when you smoke.” Offer it to the next smoker but don’ forget to do it with a condescending look.

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