How To Speak Christian

If you don’t know what your “daily walk” or a “Devo” is, then you need to learn a few Christian phrases and how to use them correctly. Lucky for all of you, I was in church since I was a baby. I got all the keywords you need to sound like a Christian.

First, during the meet and greet portion of a worship service make sure to refer to each other as Brother or Sister. For example, “Brother Bob how are you today?” See we were all adopted into the family of God since we all now have the same Father that makes us brothers and sisters. It sounds really spiritual, try it next Sunday.

The correct Christianese response to “how are you” is either “blessed” or “trusting Jesus day by day.” Say “blessed” instead of “fine” and “trusting Jesus day by day” instead of “it’s been a rough week.” These key phrases make you sound like you were born in the pew.

No, let’s work on a few phrases you will need to avoid unpleasant situations. Brother Troy, the church Deacon of building and grounds, approaches you to help out on church clean-up day. “Brother how would you like to sign up for church clean-up day?” he asks.

Now you can’t just say “find some other sucker.” The correct church approved response is “I’m sorry that’s not my spiritual gift.”

Did you get asked to teach Sunday school and don’t want to?

“Not my spiritual gift.”

Were you asked to read a scripture next week but its Super bowl?

 “Sorry, not my gift.”

If that doesn’t work then try “I’ll pray over it.” which means, “No.”

Need a good non-committal answer for something you don’t want to go to? “Brother, are you going to the all-night prayer meeting?”

The sanctified response is “Lord willing.” It means “not a chance you’ll see me there.”

If you are invited to fellowship, don’t be afraid, it means there’s food! Fellowship is just a Christian way of saying let’s overeat. Think of it as planned gluttony. If there is no food, you showed up to a study. That’s the only difference. Christians hang out all the time. They can’t call it hanging out, that’s too secular. So, if there’s food, it’s a fellowship. If there’s no food, it’s a study. Beware of prayer meetings. Prayer meetings are like prisons; everyone thinks we should have them, but no one wants to be in them. Also, there’s no food at prayer meetings.

If someone tells you they are headed out on a trip, never say “safe trip” always say “I’ll pray for traveling mercies.” It means, “Have a safe trip.” No one actually knows what traveling mercies are but pray for them anyway.

Finally, if you stick around a church long enough to make a friend, dispense with the “how are you?” and move on to the more advanced “How’s your heart?” You can also try “how’s your walk?” they both mean “How are you” but non-Christians say that all the time. We don’t want to imitate non-Christians now, do we?

 “How’s your heart?” implies you care about the deepest core of the person and” How’s your walk?” is holding the person accountable. What is holding a person accountable? It means your being nosey.

The use of these phrases will not only help you avoid bad situations but provide you enough Christianese that you can blend right in at any church. Listen carefully for their use around the church and feel free to smile and nod politely when you have no idea what someone is saying to you.

Thanks for reading, don’t forget to hit the like button and subscribe if you haven’t already. Thanks to all my current subscribers. You can catch me vlogging at Rev’s Reels on YouTube or follow me on Facebook. Catch me live at Open Door Ministries in Westminster California at the Westminster Mall.

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